WHAT ABOUT YOUR GIFTS?

I have wandered the earth wondering what it is about me, that has caused consistent grumbling. I cannot recall a period when I was not initiating controversy somehow. In part it is likely due to the manner in which I have been known to attempt to push the limits of communities--to take up the minority opinion and make it mine (whether before I had particularly identified with whatever apparent issue). Perhaps this is due to some kind of neurosis--some underlying need to get attention or approval from others because I do not like what I see "in the mirror." Hell! In my acknowledgement of this as a possibility, it is likely the case that some part of how I have behaved relates to it.

However, I can also recall feeling simultaneously flabbergasted and deeply, compassionately sad when watching America's Home Videos. Flabbergasted out of utter incomprehension as to how it could be that people found others getting hurt FUNNY. Sad for the one's whose lives if even for seconds opened to them the possibility of suffering. It sounds cliché when I repeat it back, as if I were reporting from Buddhist handbooks some kitschy wisdom. See, but there is an actual feeling of which I speak. It is some strange mix of fascination and grief. It is deep inside my chest, yet incorporating elements of my stomach and sternum. In any case, these feelings have led me to tend to "root for the underdog" so to speak.

And I have at times done a shoddy job in getting my point of view across--preferring to make people angry rather than to make progress. Nonviolent demonstrations and protests are nice, but only when they are geared toward making a point. When they are just cathartic, we might as well be dancing naked at a drum-circle bonfire in the middle of the woods. That would be more fun. It is a lesson I have learned the hard way.

Buddhists (to reference them legitimately now) have a concept that differentiates between truth that is said in a way that makes it heard and truth that is said in a way that closes ears. The goal is to express truth in a way that (even if it is hard to hear) is heard in the first place. It is the way one opens others to enlightenment. The Buddha is said to have known exactly what to say to others so that they could become enlightened. If you are interested in reading more go to: http://www.amazon.com/Seeking-Heart-Wisdom-Meditation-Shambhala/dp/157062805X/ref=sr_1_12?ie=UTF8&qid=1299366524&sr=8-12.

After years of living and dieing with the underdog, and being "shutdown" so to speak by numerous others for my supposedly radical ideas and approaches, I had begun to lose myself. I had begun to acquiesce. When you haven't figured out how to take care of yourself, to deal with your inner-psychological issues, and to keep your own pain in front of you, then it is easy to think of your work either as lost or as embattled. The earlier leads to despair, and the latter to bitterness. It seems that there is a third way to think of one's work--that is: the thing which brings one meaning and purpose. When one's work becomes that which makes one cry and also that which makes one laugh, then this is your work! It is something you do for no other more fundamental reason than because it is what you wake up in the morning excited about! It is who you are--something you do whether or not it is what "brings in the bacon."

The challenge in life is that many of us do not have jobs that touch on this kind of passion. And many of us do not even know what brings us passion because we are stuck thinking of them in terms of jobs, rather than in terms of the limitless measures by which life offers its precious time-trapped gifts.

There are two nice passages in the Bible about gifts:

We have gifts that differ according to the grace given to us: prophecy, in proportion to faith; ministry, in ministering; the teacher, in teaching; the exhorter, in exhortation; the giver, in generosity; the leader, in diligence; the compassionate, in cheerfulness. (Romans 12: 6-8)

AND

To each is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good. To one is given through the Spirit the utterance of wisdom, and to another the utterance of knowledge according to the same Spirit, to another faith by the same Spirit, to another gifts of healing by the one Spirit, to another the working of miracles, to another prophecy, to another the discernment of spirits, to another the interpretation of tongues. (1 Corinthians 12: 7-10)

What other gifts are possible to have? The gift of athleticism, song, poetry, insight, deep love and appreciation for beauty, etc? These are things that can be cultivated and developed into life's work without once formally entering into office space (although they can be guides for how one goes about doing whatever is one's profession).

I thought that I was more an elder than a minister in the Quaker faith, but I have realized now that in all the times I have been pushed away and reacted against I have acquiesced, sensing that I am better for everyone if I keep quiet. I am realizing now that this is just false! I am less an elder and more a minister--a vocal minister. Now, how does this ministry take form in my life? It is a question next to be answered.

Remember, what you have to say matters! You are not devoid of gifts, but yours may not become apparent in the most expected, traditional ways.

For now,

Zachary